Pardon my dust, I hope there’s not too much confusion. A lot happened around here after my last post! My website is undergoing a transformation at the moment, so I apologize ahead of time for broken links and general disarray. I’m still learning how to navigate the new layout, so many many apologies! My beloved Noire Memoir has become Goddess In Training Coaching!
Why is all of this happening? So I that I can help other women avoid everything that I went through and more.
This is the first time I’ll go into more detail about that breakup. I avoided going into too much depth before, because I wasn’t ready to talk about it.
The horror of the year 2020 started early for me at the end of October in 2019. As you recall, my ex-fiance sent me packing from my home, my life, and my entire identity without warning a few days before Halloween. I was heartbroken and trying so hard to figure out what the hell happened. I got no words, no explanation, and not even a real apology. Sure, he said he was sorry, but those words carried no weight. It was like hearing the same sorry that he said time and time again in our relationship that merited no changed behavior. After some time, I knew his apologies meant nothing, and that this one wasn’t any different.
Want to know his parting request?
“Can we still be friends?”
I couldn’t face the truth for months. I tortured myself with those websites that are like “Get your ex back permanently” and “Ex-Boyfriend Recovery”. Here’s a tip. Don’t go to those Relationship Recovery websites. They are cash cows because the owners are capitalizing on the most powerful emotion: fear. Fear of the unknown, of losing everything that you came to trust, and of having to truly look at yourself and realize that you were not whole on your own like you thought you were. I was terrified for the first time in three years, so I held on to hope that he would realize he made a huge mistake. He’d come back to me and be the person that I had fallen in love with, not this unrecognizable asshat that admitted he had been lying to me for our entire three-year relationship and unceremoniously kicked me out before I had any time to process or even make a good plan on what I was going to do.
Spoiler alert: That didn’t happen.
What happened instead was a selfish jerk popping up every few weeks telling me how much he loved me and wanted me back, only to disappear each time I took it seriously. This person was supposed to be my husband. I was truly excited in my soul to spend the rest of my life with him. My heart and mind couldn’t take it, and I was hospitalized after trying to take my life more than once during 2020. I couldn’t figure out what I had done in life that was so awful to deserve getting treated like this repeatedly by so many different men, and I figured I must have been an awful person and that my life wasn’t worth living if things like this were going to keep happening. It turned out to be a combination of the wrong medication and all of the trauma compounding into this perfect storm of my mental health taking a nosedive to the center of the earth.
Thankfully, I got back on my mental health feet and was able to stay out of the hospital.
What was going through my mind at the time?
Well, I just… I couldn’t stomach it anymore. All the trauma that I had endured in my 20’s was supposed to have ended because I had found my soulmate. I thought I was with the love of my life, and he promised everything that I had ever wanted. I would never be scared again, we’d get married and travel the world together, and most of all, that he would never hurt me … he promised me “forever”. Well, we all know how that turned out. He was not at all the person that I thought he was, none of those promises were ever intended on being fulfilled, and I couldn’t understand it.
One day, it hit me. The supposed love of my life was just another toxic guy in a long line of toxic men in my past. That realization tore me apart because I was so sure that I had broken my toxic relationship cycle. I had never been so sure of something in my whole life. I would have bet my life on it.
The questions crashed like waves over me.
How did I not see it? Where were the red flags? How did he find me? How did ANY of these guys keep finding me? Was there a giant sign on my head that read, “Please fuck me over!”
And they kept on coming.
Why did I stay the time I tried to break up with him when I realized we weren’t going to work? I saw how fundamentally different we were when it came to caring about personal safety, and I tried to end on a good note saying that it was okay that we weren’t supposed to be together. He begged for another chance, and I gave in. Why? Then about a year later, when the roles were reversed, why was I not given a second chance and the compassion and empathy that I gave him when he was in my shoes? Why did I spend more than 6 months after the breakup holding on to hope that someone that kicked me out of my home so suddenly would realize he loved and valued me, and would spend the rest of his life making it up to me? Why did I spend hundreds of dollars to chat with “relationship experts” to try and understand why and how he could treat me that way when I gave him everything to the point of exhaustion? Why did I pay for them to help me strategize how to get him back? Why did I want someone back that hurt me more deeply than my abuser in college?
None of it made any sense, but I was able to see that I had hit rock bottom after my numerous hospitalizations. It took one final time of falling for the lie that he wanted to get back together only to change his story immediately after, to finally get angry. I was filled with rage. For the first time, a different set of questions entered my head.
Why did I accept this behavior? Why did I feel like it was my responsibility to apologize to him when I had done absolutely nothing wrong? Why did I keep letting him do this to me? Why didn’t I think I deserved better? Why didn’t I want better for myself? Why did I want to go back to the person that shattered every part of me, mind, body, and soul? Why did he think he could keep getting away with doing this (I wasn’t the first)?
Something broke inside me that day. You know when Phoenix erupted when Jean Grae lost control in X-Men? That’s the best way I can explain what happened to me. I like to think that was the day that my Goddess (I didn’t have any other name for what came over me) was unleashed. I raged at him, called him on his bullshit finally, tried to call him multiple times to finally yell at him, and guess what? I got blocked. I sent a follow-up email that was calmer, not apologizing for my rage but knowing that I hit my point of no return. I asked him to not do this to another girl, and I wished he was the person that I believed he was, a much better person. I said that I hoped that one day he’d meet a girl and treat her the way I should have been treated. Even in my blind fury, I was still thinking of other people instead of just myself. I was in tears, and still trying to be civil and respectful, when I had absolutely no reason to.
“It makes me sad to think about us, because I still love you.”
Had my Goddess not taken over, I probably would’ve fallen for it again and stayed in that damn cycle with a dirtbag that had absolutely no interest in being with me other than making sure I was still on the back burner in case he ever wanted to go back. I realized I was his sure thing, and that only made me angrier. Although I was filled with rage, I grabbed a notebook and wrote out all of these questions. All of these Why’s kept pouring out with me. And for once in my life, I was determined to answer every single one.
At that moment, I realized my life depended on getting out of the toxic relationship cycle. This couldn’t keep happening to me.
It took crying through gallons of tears and intensely examining myself. I had to go back to my mom’s house and dig out my journals from over the years. I’ve been journaling since I was in fifth grade, so I read every single fucking one of them. I found things that I never thought I’d find. There was a pattern. It was like discovering clues and then going on the quest in the da Vinci code. I wouldn’t rest until I answered every single question.
What was the result?
I committed to myself. I got serious about practicing gratitude and self-care. I made a pledge to myself to cut contact with anyone that had treated me badly in the past and to not allow them anywhere near me, whether it was physically or online. I worked hard at removing all the negative beliefs that kept me at the mercy of thinking half-assed effort and less than the bare minimum meant true love. I dated myself and made rituals like buying myself flowers every week like I always wished someone else would. I promised myself that by the end of the year, my life would be different. I would never be that woman with her head in her hands understanding that she had lost everything because she had fallen for it again.
In my journal, I outlined exactly what I wanted in my ideal partner, while also making note of the events in my life that made me believe that I didn’t deserve that. I made sure to go into great detail about what my ideal relationship was like. How did I want to be treated? I committed to the idea that I would not settle for anything less than ideal. I worked hard to reparent and show my inner-child that life could be safe and stable. I made a Bill of Rights for myself. I wrote love letters to myself every day, even when I wasn’t particularly feeling it. I was gentle with myself when I would normally have been critical. I bandaged and healed the emotional wounds that had been festering since I was a little girl.
I told myself that I was beautiful, every single day. I accepted my life as it was, knowing finally that even though I hated my past, there was nothing I could change about it. I had to set my sights forward and change my future.
It didn’t happen overnight, but one morning, I woke up, and I was so grateful to be alive. All the other times in my life that I had woken up that happy, someone was in the bed with me. This time, it was just my giant bear. I hugged him, smiled, and said I was grateful for him out loud. I knew then that everything was going to be okay, and that I had made it to the point that I envisioned at the beginning of my journey.
Everything changed. I linked up with my blogging coach, started cranking out my journals that had little pieces of each step of my journey to share with others, and really started expressing my new joy. I couldn’t stop talking about how good it felt to make purpose out of my pain and begin to help other people with it.
It was suggested to me to share that with a wide network of women by speaking engagements or writing another book based on this journey, but I didn’t know where to start. Oddly enough, a coaching training program found me and got me ready to share all my lessons with women that are deserving of so much better. It felt like the Universe smiled then winked at me. Everything I needed was suddenly in reach, because I believed in myself.
I half-jokingly posted something I wanted to manifest on Twitter, and then he fell in my lap once I put myself out there. It was like I had called him into my life with my ideal partner list. I had written that I wanted my ideal partner to absentmindedly hold my hand or stroke my cheek with their thumb while cupping my face if I happen to be next to them while they’re doing something. I wrote that I wanted a guy that sang love songs to me because it was cute. I got it. And I wanted a guy that wouldn’t try to rush me into physical intimacy. I got it. Here’s the best part? I haven’t said a word about that list to him. He’s just being who he is.
That’s it. Unleashing my Goddess set my sights higher, designed the life and relationship that I deserve, and helped me embrace it.
More than anything, I want to share everything I learned with other women and help them transform their lives. Nothing would make me happier than to share this gift of total self-confidence, endless self-love, and compassion, and watch them set their sights on exceptional instead of less than the bare minimum to get exactly what they thought was out of reach.