I’m back from the Bahamas! I am refreshed, rejuvenated, and reinvigorated. My travel post about my Bahamian adventures goes up Wednesday this week.
On to the healing! Armed with a pen, journal, and a self-help book, I worked on myself. I prioritized moments that were purely for me and my well-being. I took advice from one of the greatest Disney movies ever made. I let go of everything. Past hurts, traumas, feeling used, confusion and anger at being lied to for so long, and not getting what I know I earned. I let it go.
During my trip, I analyzed and began to understand why I’ve always felt so insecure and depressed. I was bullied for my looks, being a nerd, and very neglected emotionally as a kid and teen. I didn’t have many close friends, because the military uprooted my family every few years. That impacted how I interact and trust as an adult. Our relationships with others are vital, and I’m not sure I ever understood how they’re supposed to work.
A sad fact about me is that I survived continuous sexual, emotional, and physical abuse as a child, teenager, and as an adult. I’ve carried that guilt and shame for as long as I can remember. I have complex PTSD (C-PTSD) meaning I’ve experienced trauma from multiple events over years, rather than a single event. Due to this, I’ve never truly felt safe or like I belonged anywhere. I lived in fear and uncertainty most of my life. I recall feeling unwanted or like a waste of space as far back as pre-school. My mom was ruthlessly critical of my body. My dad was a fan of angry, long-winded tirades. I was certain that both my parents hated me for simply existing, and their words and actions did not prove otherwise. At an early age, I drew the conclusion that some people didn’t deserve love, and that I was one of them.
I also felt like I lagged behind in “The Important Milestones”. Like graduating college, making a group of lifelong friends, having a career, getting engaged, having a wedding, and all the other Kodak moments. This unhealthy thought process developed because my parents constantly negatively compared my brothers and I to other kids or each other. Nothing was good enough. “I’m proud of you” or “You did great” were two things I did not hear growing up. I learned to treat myself with harshness instead of forgiveness, and hatred instead of love and acceptance. As I got older and reached any important milestone, it wasn’t good enough. It seemed like everyone in my age group had already done it. Then inevitably, it would fall apart. I couldn’t seem to get it together when everyone else already had. My broken engagement is the most recent example of this self-fulfilling prophecy. I’ve consistently felt like an unlovable, damaged and unworthy outsider that couldn’t do anything right no matter how hard I tried.
This is my truth: I am not any of those things. I deserve love. I am loving, beautiful, kind, and I care deeply about myself and others. I deserve honesty and respect from the people that I love. I am brave when I feel fearful. I am strongest when I feel weak. I ask for help when I need it. I embody the love, kindness, and empathy that I have not received from the people I trusted and needed it from the most. I give away what I never got. My heart never hardened, and I stayed selfless and compassionate. I let people in and help because I don’t want anyone to feel as bad as I have at various points in life. Instead of vindictively replicating my pain in others, I actively try to create love and comfort. I don’t assume the worst about others. I hope for the best in them. I am a once in a lifetime kind of woman. This is what I learned about myself as I stood in the sun.
I’ve chosen new personal milestones that I’ve decided are important. Other stuff will fall into place when it’s supposed to. There’s no shame in that. One day I’ll cross paths with someone as filled with light and love as I am and have the healthy, supportive, and loving relationship that was meant for me. That person will appreciate me and everything I do to make them feel special, and won’t think twice about doing the exact same for me. His words and actions will match. With him, I’ll never feel the pain of being taken for granted again. One day, my special someone won’t be able to wait any longer and will propose to me, making sure it’s the most special unforgettable surprise of my life. I will have people in my life that want to celebrate happiness with me. My person and I won’t be perfect, but we’ll be worth it. One day, I’ll get everything I have ever deserved and won’t wonder any longer. But until that happens, I am leaving the past behind and focusing on myself and my new milestones.
This trip was so beneficial in so many ways. I met so many amazing people in Nassau. I met a guy that came to the Bahamas to help rebuild after Hurricane Dorian because he felt compelled to. I met the quality of people I couldn’t find in Guam, the kind of people that I needed to be around to grow. Finding real and unique people who know what they want and where they are going had such an impact on me. If you’re not where you want to be or don’t know the kinds of people you think you need, try a change of scenery. They’re out there! I received a lot of great advice from men and women alike. The men told me not to go back to the past and get hurt again, and to not make time for second chances. The women told me not to diminish and exhaust myself or sacrifice the way I had before. Sacrifice and compromise are not the same things. They encouraged me to move on and told me not to lose hope. The past won’t change, but the future has plenty of time and a plan for me. I’m doing the right thing by taking charge of my life, taking an honest look at myself, changing what I can, and doing it all with a smile on my face. I’m listening to those older and wiser than me. They know better, so I’m not looking or going back. They shared the lessons I needed to heal.
The most poignant line for me in You Are A Badass said, “If something negative happens in your life, feel it, learn from it, let it go and get back to focusing on the life you’re excited to live.” I’ve been doing that in my own way without realizing it.