Happy Sunday! Wow, we’re already more than halfway through September. I took a mental health break and got some sunshine and rest. That also resulted in a gnarly jellyfish sting. I’ve never had one before, and I can’t say that I enjoy it.
My affirmation from the last post, I choose myself, even if others refuse to, was very impactful. I needed to do some serious self-care after reaching the acceptance portion of my broken engagement. I thought I had reached it before, but the final stage meant actively choosing myself by standing up for myself. The strength to leave the past where it was came from somewhere deep inside.
Realizing that being told I was sad repeatedly when I’ve been making progress every day was a game-changer. I’m not sad or falling for anyone’s projection anymore. Using the affirmation, I made the decision to choose what was right for me. Taking control of my situation and recognizing my strength empowered me. Making the choice to join a dating service and meet men that are likeminded in their relationship goals was such a relief. I’m meeting guys that are on the same page as me, and so far, I’m liking what I see.
Someone I was thankful for during my mental health break was… my mom. She knew that I needed to be alone to work things out. Moms just know. She listened to me and helped me work through the last of my anger. My mom isn’t an expert on mental health by any means, and our relationship is up and down. But she’s making such an effort to fix our relationship and understand my unique needs. It’s something that I really appreciate.
This week I was proud of myself for… taking everything I’ve been through in stride. My outlook has changed to know that if something in my life isn’t bringing me joy, I can either change my attitude toward it or remove it. It’s so weird to have a quiet mind. Normally my brain pings back and forth from thought to thought, worrying about the most insignificant things (that worm I saw in the driveway) to huge stuff (nuclear war). It’s still and serene inside my skull at the moment, and I’m focused on creating that kind of calm all the time. There’s either an image of an empty beach with crystal clear water or a forest meadow with a brook and some deer nearby in my head at all times.
This week I had fun… trying to dance in the living room. My dad and I attempted to learn the “Git on Up” dance. It was pretty funny since I inherited my lack of rhythm from him. I just started IGTV videos this past week, so I’m thinking it’s time that I share my sick dance moves with the world. They’re pretty…uh… well, they’re a sight to behold.
This week’s affirmation
This week I’ve chosen the affirmation:
I am in charge of how I feel; today I am choosing to trust.
After my breakup, I wondered how I would trust anyone again. My walls were down, my heart was open, and I had given myself to someone completely. How could I trust anyone again after someone that knew my pain, and promised to never hurt me did exactly what he promised not to do? My walls returned with extra reinforcements of barbed wire, security cameras, and a moat filled with alligators and honey badgers. Yes, honey badgers. They don’t give a shit.
To reclaim my power, the most important person I had to trust was myself. I didn’t trust my judgment for the longest time. Second-guessing and ruminating were like second nature. Now that there’s peace in my brain, I’m accepting that even if I make the wrong choice in the future, I’m doing the best I can with the information that I have at hand. There’s nothing to get mad at myself about or worry over once I remind myself of that simple truth.
When I began to move on during the summer, I understood that I had to let down all my barriers. I had to get rid of my internal honey badgers. They weren’t going to protect me. Instead, they’d keep me from being happy. Yes, boundaries are absolutely essential, but pushing people away before giving them a chance would be the opposite of progress. Moving on means unpacking my baggage and taking only the lessons with me. Everything else is not my burden to carry any longer. I’ve made meaning and purpose out of my pain, so there’s no reason to drag it around everywhere I go. Letting go and leaving it behind has taken such a weight off my shoulders and given me power and control over myself.
This week’s journal prompts
The journal prompts for the week will be about trusting yourself and your truth as a means of empowerment.
- How will I find fulfillment?
- How can I meet my insecurities and mistakes with compassion and grace?
- What positive changes can I make before this year ends?
It’s eye-opening that self-confidence and self-esteem have never been my strengths growing up. In fact, I relied on self-hatred and my inner-critic because abuse was the only thing I felt comfortable experiencing. If someone was kind to me in the past, I’d often react with tears because I didn’t know what else to do. I look back at the younger versions of myself and give them long hugs. That’s exactly what younger me needed. Hugs and encouragement. Neither of which were plentiful in my household growing up. It’s pretty easy to see where my insecurities and desperate need to be loved and valued led me down some particularly bad paths. Many of the behaviors and actions I accepted were intolerable, but I didn’t know at the time. I understand that so much could have been different if I had known my worth and believed in myself. But it’s better learned late than not at all!
Think you may have allowed negative behaviors in your previous relationship? Re-evaluate your boundaries and values with my 30-Day Breakup Journal. Maintaining a relationship is hard work. But it’s even more difficult if you don’t have a solid foundation to build on. Get clear on your non-negotiables!
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