When I first started dating as a 19-year-old girl, I had no clue what I was doing.
The concepts of boundaries and self-love were not anywhere near common knowledge for me. They didn’t teach us that in health class in high school, and I was not allowed to date either, so I didn’t receive any of that information from my parents or family members.
That lack of knowledge kept me in a cycle of unfulfilling and toxic relationships, in which, I dated men that were not on my level but took advantage of my money, kindness, and held me back from my full potential. I found myself dating men that were nowhere near my level, but I found myself clinging to them every time, especially when they threatened me with leaving.
Here’s an example:
While I was a college, I dated men that were not in school and had no interest in getting degrees. I worked hard and got my degree and one of them said, “Well, a Bachelor’s in Communications isn’t anything special,” to bring me down a few pegs when I received my diploma.
This guy worked part-time at a call center and sold drugs on the side… he loved to spend my money and use all my resources, but my degree (and by extension, me), nope, not special at all.
Can you imagine hearing that from your partner on one of the biggest days of your life?
Obviously, I spent all of my 20’s in relationship after relationship with unworthy men.
Each of these relationships lasted too long and plummeted my self-esteem and self-worth. I kept wondering if there was something wrong with me. I couldn’t understand how men like this found me.
Why did this keep happening over and over again?
I tried so hard to understand why. I tortured myself with breakup websites and blogs trying to get to the bottom of what was wrong with me. How did my exes manipulate me and toy with my emotions when they weren’t even worth my time, to begin with?
I fell for the lies and manipulation every time, and I couldn’t take it anymore.
One day, I decided that I’d had enough. After going through this process yet again with my ex-fiance. I blew up. I was lied to one last time, and it was an event that turned my life around. Something broke and unleashed this fury that I never had before. I refer to that rage as my Goddess.
My goddess brought me to a mirror to look at my pain, lean into my anger, and yell, “No more!”
The reality hit me. I had given up my career to move with this man across the world. I sacrificed and sacrificed, gave and gave. I was used up and wrung out by the end of the relationship. And when he left me, I had nothing left except stress, acne, and severe weight loss.
“No more!”
Thus, began my healing journey and finding my goddess. It took a year of learning to love myself, cutting contact, and fighting to be the person that I wanted to be. I took a good hard look at my childhood, my relationship patterns, and everything in between. I made a conscious effort to stay single (and a global pandemic didn’t make that difficult). I got in a relationship with someone I never considered dating before: myself.
And I changed my life.
I learned what a strong, capable woman I am. I hushed my inner-critic and let my goddess take control of the messages and thoughts in my head. I began to believe in myself and practiced gratitude every step of the way.
And here I am, visibly different to those around me. It’s not because I changed my hair or fashion sense. I changed within by unleashing my goddess and my light shines through in everything I do whether it’s taking out the trash or talking to a stranger. I carry myself in a way that I never have before. The real joy and satisfaction with my life are felt wherever I go.
I attract men that are worth my time, because I know my worth and understand my values, needs, and wants. I don’t compromise and carry myself with such confidence and joy that people can’t help but stop and say hello. And, yes, that’s even with half my face covered with a mask!
I light up the world now, and I want to share that light with you.
