Unwanted Attention From Your Ex?: Here’s How To Stop It

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So let’s say you’ve enrolled in my upcoming coaching services and 8 weeks later you’ve changed! You’re a new woman, a goddess, a badass! You’ve reached the top of the hill. You know exactly what you want, and you’re not settling for less! You go, goddess!

The best thing in the entire breakup process is the relief, happiness, and ease that follows moving on and the end-stage of acceptance. All the weight of the world has rolled off your shoulders. The anger and confusion have passed or doesn’t matter to you as much. You may or may not have found closure, but you’ve pressed on and made some sweet, sweet lemonade out of some bitter, bitter lemons. You’re probably dating someone else by now, and enjoying yourself. I applaud you! Self-reflection, hard work, and letting time heal your mind, heart, and soul.

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But it’s time to ask the awkward questions. These questions apply to both the dumper and dumpee in many situations.

What do you do about the ex that won’t let go when you’ve moved on, and they have not? Why is the person that was so eager to get rid of you, so invested in what’s going on in your life now? Do you see them watching your social media stories or liking your posts when you’ve unfollowed them or otherwise made it clear that you don’t want to communicate? If you have a blog or online store, do you see their IP address constantly on your analytics?  How do you respectfully ask them to stop and let you continue your life without them?

In my opinion, this situation a bit weird and awkward for those of us that have decided to cut contact and enforce strict boundaries about interacting with people that have hurt us.  Unfortunately for me, lingering exes are a giant trigger. You’ll see why below. The main reason, though, is that they never respected my flimsy boundaries during the relationship, and continue to test my firm boundaries now that it’s over.

*trigger warning* mentions of stalking, domestic abuse

1. Call them out

When I reached my Point of No Return, I decided that it was time to cut all contact with my ex for good. He wanted me out of his life for some unknown reason, so in a fit of rage, I acquiesced and let it all go. I simply decided he would not be a part of my life ever again after he hurt me one last time. And after making that decision, and sticking to it, my life turned around almost instantly.

What if you’re like me and you run an online business that they frequent since they no longer have access to you? Address the elephant in the room. Everyone knows analytic trackers can tell the user just about everything about visitors except their blood type. Call them out politely and firmly, whether by email or text message then continue to enforce your boundaries.

For example: I’ve noticed that you spend time on my website, and I am not okay with that. As I’ve said before, I do not want you in my life or to have in any part of my life. Please respect my boundaries and wishes, and stop visiting my website or social media.

2. Check your privacy settings on social media

When I was graduating from college, I was stalked after getting out of an abusive relationship. Needless to say, it was terrifying, but what scared me most was being threatened online just as much as over the phone or in person. It was a constant onslaught, and I rightfully feared for my life. I didn’t really know who to turn to or where to get help. The most I could do was browse the Privacy settings and hope for the best. Social media apps and sites are constantly updating their privacy settings and staying on top of them can ease your anxiety or frustration. You can also set your accounts to Private and use Blocking to your advantage. Changing and updating your passwords frequently is also a good idea.

3. Tell a mutual friend that it’s making you uncomfortable

If you’re practicing No Contact like I am, let a mutual friend know and express your thoughts respectfully and without adding insults or blame. Ask if the friend would mention it and be a listening ear to your ex.

For example: Hey Jill, can I talk to you about Jim? He’s following my social media/website pretty closely, and it’s making me anxious since we’re no longer in a relationship, and we’re not friends. Would you mind asking him to stop or asking why he feels the need to? Maybe he just needs to talk to someone about whatever he’s going through instead of keeping his eyes on me.

4. Learn about cyberstalking and protect yourself

After that same relationship in college, I had to deal with being stalked. Back then, cyberstalking and revenge porn were relatively new concepts. I did not know anything about what I could do to protect myself. Visit fightcyberstalking.org to learn more. There are all sorts of ways that you can be harassed online, and informing yourself and keeping yourself safe is the best defense out there.

5. Don’t overthink it

If your exes are hovering over your social media accounts or websites, but they are not threatening you or harassing you, examine why you feel uncomfortable. Don’t obsess over it, though. Their behavior is about them, not you. You can only control what you can control, such as your reaction, behavior, and emotions. You’re not living your life in regret, glued to what they’re doing, because you’ve moved on and healed. Don’t sweat it. If you’re out there doing you and living your life, I’m betting you won’t notice after a while.

6. Disable your accounts

An option to consider taking is taking a break from social media. If you’re uncomfortable and don’t want them to have access to you, take away all of their points of access. If you can, like it won’t impact your business or anything else in your life drastically, I say go for it. Social media cleanses are so nice. This awkward situation is an opportunity to get back to self-care and introspection.

7. Live your life

I’m in a place of happiness and peace, so I’m not living for or thinking about revenge. But a thing I keep hearing from friends or followers is, “Living your best life is the greatest revenge.” So instead of thinking of all the ways I could throw my happiness in my exes’ faces, I just ignore them. I think that apathy is all I could truly hope for, rather than getting upset or getting super creeped out.

Hopefully, these tips can help give you peace of mind. I had my doubts about writing this post, but the fact that it made me nervous to write meant that I should explore that fear and deal with the anxiety caused by this trigger. Wrestling with my past means that other people could benefit from it, too. I’m comfortable with being uncomfortable for the time being. I think that social media causes such an awkward situation when it comes to breakups that people don’t want to discuss it at all, let alone be subject to it on their own. There’s that grey area of “Do I delete or don’t I? To block, or not to block? Mute or nah?”

Whatever you decide is best for you is great. But following/fixating on your ex, seeing and torturing yourself with the idea that she’s better off without you isn’t healthy. There is no power or pride in not being able to let go. You might now be realizing that you made the biggest mistake of your life, and you have to live with that fact. That’s all there is to it.

What are some ways that you’ve stopped obsessing over an ex? Leave a comment below and don’t forget to join my newsletter. As you can see, new and big things are happening! Noire Memoir is no more, it’s all about Goddesses now!