As I look back at 2020 and try to apply the practice of gratitude for it… I’m not struggling much. Somehow, 2020 was the worst and best year of my life. It’s been wild from start to finish. Why I'm grateful for 2020 This time last year, I was having one of the worst depressive episodes I have ever had. Then I was having them again six months later in the summer. I was so exhausted, emotionally, physically, and mentally. My life had no value to me or the person that I loved with all my heart. I couldn’t let go, and I couldn’t move forward. It felt like being trapped in hell. Then there was ...
worthless
Getting The Hang of Being Happy
This may seem like an odd subject, but it’s truly something I had to work on this past year. I was not accustomed to being happy. And not just any kind of happiness, but the happiness that comes from fulfilment from within. I didn’t know that was a thing. As you know, I’ve battled several mental illnesses over the years, and it’s felt exactly like that. Like there was a war that I had no say in going on inside my mind and body for years. When I looked at happy people, I assumed they were like me. Just smiling to hide the immense pain they felt on a nearly 24-hour constant loop. Even ...
Goodbye to Negativity
Dear Negative Sense of Self, I keep coming back to you. Year after year, time after time. When I've let you go, just as quickly, I've come running back. You are my normal. You are reliable, infallible, and indefatigable. You are me, and I am you. I need you. I can't understand the world without you. And yet, someone has changed. It's me. I have changed. Your truth has become lies in my ears.Your embrace has become rejected by my heart.Your sincerity has become hollow in my life. I'm leaving you behind, just as you promised that others would leave me. You told me that I was ...
Finding my power and purpose
My life changed this past 4th of July weekend. Last year I was waiting for my fiancé to come home and worrying about fireworks triggering my PTSD. This year, I was single, living with my parents, and devising an impulsive plot to take my life because I couldn't handle reality any longer. What a difference a year makes. Luckily, I wasn't successful in my suicide attempt. Instead, I gained perspective and learned much-needed life lessons. Before, I felt I had little going for me aside from the prospect of marriage. I was so excited and built my whole world around it. Here's ...
